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Sunday, April 09, 2006
thou its been only two days. but it feels longer. bah, i feel so numb inside right now. im so contradicted. so confused and heart broken): but its alright, im gonna stay strong. you duh wan me also nehmind, i can be a les! -laughs- cuz so many people out there cares for me(: nehnehpoke, im just tryin to keep myself occupied. yea, so just bear with it for the time being.
mid-yrs are like so very near. i have less than a month or so to prepare myself for mid-yrs. haiyo, how how how? sure die. but ive got my tutors! heh. wen jie say he's gonna tutor me maths. ps: hope he doesnt go missing half way!
i tried sleeping my day through so i have lesser time to think about what happened. but it seems like i still dream of you. even in my dreams, i was like 'wth lah'. why is that so? why do you even wanna appear in my dreams? allow me to dream of all thsoe happy moments yet when im awake, its totally opposite. i mean, its already hurting enough. im heartbroken, so shut up already. BAH! i still cant cheer myself up):
paully: chers, theres only like 0.1 percent you both will be together again.
me: i know. but no matter how impossible it might be. be it 0.1 or 0.11111 percent, i just keep holding on. ill never let go, till the very last moment.
ahlibaba. i dont know why i said that. was i trying to be strong infront of her? or do i really mean what i said? how i wish i could turn back time. if i could, i would choose to not be together. cuz the one being hurt now, its me. sigh, you can never understand how i feel. i might be simply a crush to you. but to me, youre like my everything. you were the one who made me believe in love and trust in you. but now, youre the one breaking them too.
when we first started, you would text me everyday. fetched me home from tuitions. tell me how you miss/love me every now and then. things were still going smoothly, you even made me fantasize about how we'll spend life together in the future. but as our lifes got a lil more hectic, you neglected me. and vice versa. i still phone and text you. but im always the one making the first move and im tired of it. however, my feelings for you was still there. you always made me feel like if i dont contact you, then you'll never do so. i felt like you dont care for me anymore. not any lesser, but no more, at all.
people say, if you love that someone, its not a must to be together with them. and yes, i agree. but this time, its different. cuz you were the one who made me believe in you. ben said i was to never initiate a break up with you. which means, im never to hurt you. then what about me? has anyone ever think about how miserable ill feel? how lost ill get? how heartbroken ill be? sadly, no one..
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7:27 AM
Yours truly.
Friday, April 07, 2006
bah, should have expected this long ago. okay, not that long. bullsheet lah. i feel so unloved. i feel so taken for granted. i feel like someone just stabbed me deep in the heart. it was bleeding. and it still is now. chers, you shouldnt even have looked up so high on yourself. see what you get at the end of the day? all down and out. im hurt, veh deeply):
help help help. im suffering from a heart-lost. yes, again.
felt better pouring out my thoughts and probs. we(qing ai de, sweetheart, paully) had an all girls talk at qing ai de's house while pam and essential were surfing friendster like siao charbos next door. initially thought everything'll be fine after i've listen to their advices and not think so much. but right after that, my heart-lost came): he said we should spend some time to think our relationship. thats kinda alright, really. but whats heartaching was he actually said he dont know when i asked if the feelings were still there. at that veh moment, it was like acid pouring on me alive. sigh, what else can i do? by saying that, he made me think even deeper. i hate you yet i love you. why oh why? thou we were both at amk and texting, but our hearts were so far apart. so distant, like i wont be able to see you even if i had my specs on. oh, to add on. rach came along too. but went home earlier cuz she had tuition.
for those who thought ill just break down and cry like theres no tmr, youre absolutely wrong! i didnt drop even a tear alright. but it wasnt bcuz he doesnt mean a thing to me. im just hanging on to that lil hope that everything will be alright. or maybe im just running away, cuz reality's too hard for me to accept. okay, at least, for now. ill accept it. ill learn to accept it. right now, im just trying so hard to keep my mind occupied. yea, ill try harder.
tell me everything will be alright
close your eyes and dream of me tonight
tell me that you wont just fade away.
cross my heart and hope it die tonight i dream my pain away.
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11:15 AM
Yours truly.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
the personality test.
You scored a 43.24%.For this test, the average percentage is 52.279834055364%.54476 people have taken this test to date.
This score classifies you as:
You trust those close to you, but have a hard time trusting new people and people you don't know very well. Your beliefs are mostly set, and you have difficulty listening to the demands and opinions of other. You have some close friends, but its sometimes difficult to find new friends. Open your mind and listen to others, and you'll be happier in the end.
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10:02 AM
Yours truly.
the jealousy test.
You are 38.1% jealous!For this test, the average jealousy percentage is 35.54%.516403 people have taken this test to date.
This percentage means that : •You are not a jealous person, but sometimes can be.•Occasionally, you over-react to situations.•Most of the time, you trust the people around.•Jealously will not be a major issue in relationships, but you might want to improve your self-esteem.
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9:51 AM
Yours truly.
Monday, April 03, 2006
im feeling so rad now. so shattered,but i dont know why. why am i like so stupid? regardless or studies or relationships with people. im always saying 'i dont know'. do i really not know? or am i just running away from it. its just like what adrian tells me during every maths tuition class. whenever he asks me smth. like a question or what, im always and forever saying i dont know. e.g adrian:cheryl, how do you complete the cumulative frequency table? me: i dont know. adrain:how come youre always saying you dont know? ask me anything, and ill say i dont know. sheet fcuk. i fuggin' hate myself): ive never hated before, just dislike. but this time. i hate myself, really.
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8:02 AM
Yours truly.
plain sheet. im suffering from a heartlost. i dont know why. i cant seem to find a valid reason. help help. i need someone to talk to): why cant i just break away from all those chains to my heart? youre not mine. youre not anyone to me. but why? you seem to weigh quite alot in my shattered-into-pieces heart. why oh why. i got it, cuz youre my kor. you might never read this cuz you never will. urghh, wth. nehmind.
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7:45 AM
Yours truly.
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